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ANDERSON COOPER: Well, we’re here at CNN headquarters, gearing up for a controversial, tight race. Yes, a tight race that could go for days, mired in legal challenges and—what do you mean we just called five states?
STEPHEN COLBERT: I’m fucked.
JON STEWART: You’re fucked.
COLBERT: Really, really fucked.
STEWART: Don’t worry, Fox news still exists. You can mock.
COLBERT: But Jon, we can’t even say the n-word. How can I compete?
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends!
AMERICA: * drinks *
SARAH PALIN: 2012… 2012… 2012
JOHN MCCAIN: I’m not bitter. Swear to god.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Kill him!
MCCAIN: Now, now, not just yet.
BARAK OBAMA: And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn—I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your president too. Just a bit less. I’ll be your president—for the most part. How about I’ll be, say, three-fifths your president? Sound fair? Sound like a good compromise?
COOPER: Yes, folks, this could be an historic night, or it could be a slightly less historic night. Let’s ask our highly-paid analysts.
ANALYST #1: Yes. It’s very historic.
ANALYST #2: I disagree, I think it’s extremely historic.
ANALYST #3: Now, wait, I think the historicity of this potentially-historic event is really for historians to decide with their historically-tuned historical analyses of historicality.
TOKEN ANALYST OF COLOR #4 WHO I TOTALLY DIDN’T HAVE EVEN A LITTLE CRUSH ON: Black people will be very happy. It’s definitely an hi…
COOPER: …Please don’t say that word.
RUPERT MURDOCH: Score.
KATE KENDELL: We are very disappointed, but we will not give up. A few religious bigots cannot end this struggle. Even if they currently comprise just slightly more than half the population of the state of California, the ignorant masses cannot forever hold back equality. Those wastes of human flesh cannot forever hold back freedom. The hateful fuckers cannot hold us down merely to avoid explaining our mere existence to their pre-pubescent sacks of hatred and bile. Though they be many, an though they hold evil in their hearts and eyes and hands, they cannot forever cling to the hatred so beloved by their dark and uncaring god, nor can they forever shelter in the rotting, festering halls of torture they call their church, the worthless fuckers. You sub-human pieces of shit; you oozing hideous monsters who celebrate in the suffering of others—I pray for your deaths. Know that they will not be swift.
California, I am very, very disappointed in you.
FOX NEWS: Racism is dead! If some crack-smoking terrorist, muslimist darkie and his welfare queen baby mama can squat down in the white house, Americans must truly be color blind.
STATE OF CALIFORNIA, THE NEXT MORNING: Ow. My head. The light. What day is it? What did I do last nigh–OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY.